"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You may now shotgun with the bride
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Randomize
