My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I need moral support for this bender
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
