so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize