omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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