mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize