I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
