nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
