I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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