You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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