I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
