oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
