Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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