who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize