im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
