so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
