new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
