You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
