There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
