Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think my moral compass just broke
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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