its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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