Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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