I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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