I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
