I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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