Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
