I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
