Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
