apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
