i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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