Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize