I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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