I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
