from now on my penis is your penis
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
