im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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