Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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