you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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