i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
