Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
