I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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