he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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