shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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