OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
