Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
