How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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