I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
