Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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