I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
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