I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
