I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
