you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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