My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
