Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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