i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Jerry, you need to find god
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
