I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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