dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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