this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize