im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
