I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
