bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
