you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
