Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I need to sanitize my soul.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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