I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
