if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize