This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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